Note: This is the second installment of a 2-part post. If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, click here before moving on.
And he entered into one of the ships, which was Simon’s and prayed him that he would thrust out a little from the land. And he sat down and taught the people from the ship. Now when he had left speaking, he said unto Simon, launch out into the deep, and let down your nets for a draught. And Simon answering said unto him, Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing: nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net. — Luke 5:3-5
Ok. I hear you, Yah…
“Be a doer, and not a hearer only.
Launch out into the deep. You’ve been hovering near the shore long enough. Stop toiling, and just let down your net.”
I’ve never had a problem “thrusting out a little from the land” — just far enough to stay within my comfort zone and where I know I can still hear His voice. But launching out into the deep — the dark oceanic abyss where uncertainty most surely prevails — is another thing entirely.
After several weeks of holding onto Part 1 of this post and refusing to publish it to my blog, tonight I picked up my journal and re-read what I had written the morning that Yah woke me up early and told me to read Luke 5. And, as He often tends to do, He gave me another word on top of the one I had already received.
Like Simon, I’ve been unnecessarily toiling and exhausting myself in the process, struggling to come up with the provisions we need to move forward on this incredibly stressful home-buying process and ensure we have a place to birth and raise this baby when he or she makes their grand appearance in September. I’ve been reluctant to let down my net — making excuses instead of letting go and truly allowing Him to provide. Instead, I’ve been holding myself and Jereme responsible for our needs.
This is even evident in my prayers, especially when I compare them to my husband’s…
Me: “Lord, please let Jereme close these deals in the pipeline, so we can make $$$$ and have enough to pay off our credit card, our 2017 tax bill, and still have enough for what we’ll need on the table at closing.”
Jereme: “Father, please send us the right clients — those who truly need our help and are willing to invest in their business growth.”
My language implies that the burden of responsibility lies on Jereme’s sales ability, while his implies that our Father in heaven is the one who can, and will, provide — not just a solution — but the one that mutually suits all parties best.
I could blame this on his more passive nature. Or I could call it what it is: my own lack of faith in Yahweh and my failure to trust Him.
Lately, I’ve been praying that He would strengthen my faith. I remember feeling so confident during my pregnancy with Indie. I had no doubts that He would give us exactly what we needed, not only to have the type of birth I wanted, but also to provide for this new life we were bringing into the world. And He did! (Granted, it was last-minute as it often tends to be, but He did, nonetheless.)
Since then, and especially these last few months, I’ve struggled to trust Him like that, and I can’t figure out why, because He has never not provided. He has always come through.
“Lord, what made me so willing to let down my net and trust you then? And what’s holding me back from doing that now?”
Praying He reveals the answer to me soon…
Ever since I asked him to strengthen my faith, I feel like it’s been one test after another — like the wave of nonstop contractions that happen during labor right before your body decides its time to push.
And I keep failing.
To be honest, I’m tired.
I just want to push already.
I don’t want to be tested anymore.
Why is my faith so weak?
Why do I not trust Him despite knowing deep down that He always provides and that He never breaks His promises?
Why do I insist on toiling incessantly? Especially when it does nothing but compound the anxiety I’m feeling? Anxiety that is not helpful when you’re trying to prepare your mind and body for a supernatural, drug-free, pain-free home birth? (Yes, I said pain-free … #newgoals)
“Father, show me the root of my sin — my failure to trust you and let down my nets to catch the abundant provisions that I know, deep down, you already have waiting for me if I’d only let go and receive.”