My Little Angel – Journal Entry Three

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We are happy to announce that we are now planning the home birth of our first rainbow baby. Though it didn’t look like it last April when I was going through a miscarriage, God truly does work things out for the best. Please consider making a donation to our birth fund. Every little bit helps! Thank you so much.

Last night I fell asleep to the movie Knocked Up. It wasn’t until 10 minutes into it that I realized the irony of the situation.

Wait a minute … this is a pregnancy movie and I’m not sobbing yet? I must be doing better!

I went to bed with a feeling of renewed strength.

Then I woke up this morning and it was back to square one.

Depressed.

Immobile.

Alone.

This truly is the biggest roller coaster of emotions I’ve ever been on. There is absolutely no way to even describe this feeling. Unless you’ve been through it before, there’s no way to understand it. There are several women who have sent me messages letting me know they understand my pain and that they’ve been through it. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. But it doesn’t take away the feeling of emptiness and defeat that I have inside. Of course, I can’t seem to get past that age old question: “Why? Why did this happen to me?”

Miscarriage — Dealing with the “Why”

Everyone says it’s not my fault. That life just takes over and sometimes this “just happens.” Nothing I did or didn’t do can change that. Deep down, I know that’s true, but in an effort to find answers, I can’t help but question it over and over again. Here are some of the questions I’ve asked myself over the past few days:

I ovulated late this cycle. Was it a bad egg? Should we have waited until the next cycle to try?

I worked out a little excessively one day around the time my baby stopped developing? Is that why its tiny heart stopped beating?

Did the heart ever beat at all?

Did I not get enough sleep? Was the stress of my job too much for me and for this baby?

Jereme and I did the baby dance around 7.6 weeks. Did that cause it?

Did we not do enough to prepare for this? Did we not pray enough? Is God angry at us for not spending enough time with Him to ask Him about this decision before we made it?

I had a beer one night around the time development stopped. One beer. And I nursed it for hours. Still — was it too much?

My esthetician told me not to use Tend Skin anymore for ingrown hairs. The chemicals have never been tested and verified as safe for pregnant women. I used it anyway. Did it kill my baby?

I’m extremely healthy. I take such good care of my body. I put maximum nutrition in my body every day. I get more nutrients than most people who are having healthy babies. Am I too healthy? So healthy that my body rejected this baby as something foreign?

Those last two are pretty ridiculous aren’t they? I know I shouldn’t blame myself. I know that sometimes “this just happens.” But I don’t like that answer. WHY? Why did it happen? That’s what I really want to know. And finally, the last question I have is:

How soon after this miscarriage is over can we try again? Is it bad that I want to try again as soon as possible? Does that mean I love my little angel any less? …

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  1. I think it’s perfectly normal to ask these questions. God has a plan for you both and he makes everything happen for a reason. If you two feel ready to try again, do so! Let me know if you need anything.

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