“So…when are you having kids?”

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sonogram

No, this is not our sonogram. But hopefully I have your attention now!

First off, I must congratulate Candace and Clay Goodman on the birth of their baby boy Mason, today! In case you don’t remember, I wrote a song for their oldest son, Cole, as a gift for his first birthday. After work tonight, I went to the hospital to meet the new little guy, and he is absolutely adorable. Candace’s sister (my sister-in-law) Melissa was there with her husband and their son Van (also a custom song recipient), as well as Candace’s mom (my mother-in-law), Jeanette.

Van and Cole were both full of energy. At one point, they were running back and forth down the hallway. I stood there watching as Melissa and her husband Derick took turns sweeping each one up in their arms and putting them down so they could run again in the opposite direction. And that’s when I started to think about the question — you know the one that Jereme and I will probably get for the rest of our lives until one of two things happen: 1. I hit menopause. or 2. We have a child.

So…when are you having kids?

And from now until then, my answer will be the same: I don’t know. I don’t even know if I want children. Don’t get me wrong; I love kids. I’m not sure what it is, really. I’m pretty sure I can handle the pain and bloodshed (for lack of a better word) involved in giving birth, as women generally have a pretty high pain tolerance. And babies are adorable, so I definitely wouldn’t mind having one. I guess I’m just not “feeling it.” And by “it” I mean the maternal instinct that most women my age usually feel by now. I’m 28 years old, almost 29, and I don’t really have that emotional longing for a child. I’m not sure what to think about that.

I think most people hear that and say, “oh, she’ll change her mind.” But I don’t know that I will. Of course, if I get pregnant, it was obviously God’s will that I have children, and I won’t be disappointed. But we aren’t trying right now, and I don’t know if we ever really will put forth the effort. At this point, Jereme and I are both saying that if it happens, great, and if it doesn’t … great.

My biggest fear is that if we don’t have kids, we’ll end up a lonely and friendless couple. When everyone around you is having kids and their kids are playing together, going to the zoo together, and experiencing Disney World for the first time together, you start to feel kind of left out. A friend once told me that she felt like we were growing apart because we led “different lifestyles.” At the time, I was working in the restaurant business and she had the typical 9 to 5 job. By the time I got off work, she had been in bed for 2 hours already. I thought that our friendship would rekindle once I got married and got a 9 to 5. But, now I have a day job, and guess what? She has a baby. And her baby plays with other babies so I’m sure she and the other moms are getting to be really close, while I sit at home writing blog posts about how I’m not sure I want to have kids. Please don’t misinterpret — I don’t mean to sound like I’m throwing myself a pity party, but when I think about it in those terms, I do feel kind of pitiful.

At the same time, I don’t want that to be my motivation for popping out a baby at the age of 35. If I get to be that old and I’m still not feeling it, then it’s over. I refuse to have a teenager in the house when I’m 50. That’s something I just don’t think I could handle.

One thing’s for certain. Even if we don’t have kids, I’ll still enjoy writing songs for other peoples’ children.

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  1. For a minute there, I thought I was about to send congratulations your way! Great hook to a really nice blog. I like your attitude about God being of control when…how…and if! If it does happen, I think you and Jereme would be great parents with musically inclined children! 🙂

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